I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
