Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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