There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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