At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize