You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
