Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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