my room smells like sperm. sweet.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
