i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
