I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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