i need an iv and a liver transplant
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
