Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
There's always time for handjobs
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
