Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
