Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
