So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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