I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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