i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
