I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I will pee on everything he values.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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