my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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