Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
