if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
