I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
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