I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Pappa wants mamma naked
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
