She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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