Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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