there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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