this beer tastes like vomit already
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
