the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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