At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
