My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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