Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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