I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
