Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
