Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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