We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
