Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
