She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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