Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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