i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Randomize
