I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
