Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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