it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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