I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
it's great music for shaving your balls
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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