If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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