So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
