filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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