her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
