Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
