two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I look better un-naked...
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
