I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize