My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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