final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize