I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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