he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
