If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
