My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I touched a dick in church today
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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