So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
