Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
